Recipe for a Heist

Obtaining Grandmama’s Shortbread Recipe

Setting

We’re a heist team focussed on liberating a treasured item, valued by all of us very highly: Squirreled away, in a secure locale, heavily fortified, which we will have to scout to liberate.

What is the thing? Grandmama’s shortbread recipe
Where is it? Grandma’s house, defended by robo-grandma

We (and what skills do we bring which are relevant to the heist?); reason for joining, Ideal for which we are striving, what is our normal role in life?

Tim (G) Keen sense of business acumen; powerful aphrodisiac quality of shortbread, keen to commercialise this to rival Viagra. Striving for wealth off the back of Grandmama’s recipe. Usually a failed entrepreneur.
Tam (N) Carer of the infirm (who never got to care for Grandma in her old age before she was robotised), wishing to end all electronics and return us to analogue times. Good at emp/tech heisty stuff, looking for a recipe to reverse engineer from ancient grains.
Tom (J) The end result of Grandma’s time when she ran away with the circus, still in the circus a generation later is Tom and the prophecies of the circus fortune tellers have led him to see the recipe is the key to fulfilling said prophecies. His ideal is being fated through the prophecy to return the recipe to his circus family. He is highly skilled in circus acrobatics. Circ-utopia 👍
Tym (H) Zookeeper, who needs Grandmama’s shortbread recipe (not cake) to help declining species, e.g. Giant Pandas. Tym’s animal handling is unparalleled, keen to repopulate the world with many pandas. Panda-monium.

Story

At the family reunion (Grandpa’s funeral), in the country of Grandma’s House (Austria – “Oma's Haus”). We discover that Grandma has been robotised (and Grandpa’s corpse was mysteriously lasered). We meet and discover each other – Tim’s from Melbourne, Tam is Glaswegian, Tom(as) is from France, who is all for people turning into robots, that’s their call, but the accidental laser deaths are tragic. Tim wonders if she’s cyborg or robot through and through. Neither Tim nor Tam are into cricket, which is good (apparently it’s a shocking stereotype to ask Aussies that).

The will is being read out and we wait with bated breath to see who inherits Grandpa’s copy of the recipe, but the will has been modified, scratched out in biro? With “No way in hell is this happening, I’m going to keep it to my grave”. Tam can’t see who has written this as he’s no graphologist. We also try to work out whose grandad this is – he was awfully young. Tim took notes but they’re not making any sense to him now (are they upside down?). We establish we’re all in it for shortbread, although Tim is shocked to hear we’ve eaten some. He points out it’s a drug, and anything’s a drug, so when Tam compliments his positive outlook, Tym says thanks at the same time. They’re almost identical – half-brothers!

The lawyer looks up and says these changes are not legally binding, and the recipe must be gathered for the purposes of estate law. Tugging his collar and sweating profusely, he throws the will in the air and flees; Tam dives and catches the will before it hits the ground. Scanning the pages (it’s not the recipe :( ) Tam notices another bunch of scratched off changes including marginalia (“Mwah hah hah, I’m not going to die anyway”). We look through the glass hatch to check grandad is dead (yep), and Tym gets a closer look by opening the coffin. Gasps in the crowd, and Tym checks how many pieces he’s in – a cauterised bisection across the groin (he’s in his birthday suit as with the window and all, no need for clothes, although Tom doesn’t know any further in the realm of autopsy). Both grandpa and the will have been tampered with.

Tom suggests that we, the children of her children, are fated to assist in the recovery of the recipe (to be made entirely by hand over an open fire, which will feature in the eventual patent). Tom noted it was rumoured that grandpa would be passing out ancient family secrets, which is why we’re here all along.

…We move to scouting Oma’s Haus in BurgenlandBurgenland, Austria

We are in a forest, surrounded by squirrels and birds (boooooo, not Pandas), and avoiding Japanese Knotweed. Due to global warming lions are now endemic to Austria. We’re also trying to look for Oma’s Haus and its environs. Tom remembers when this was mountain, not savannah, and he was but a child. Tim has never been here! He got a care package and took a bite out of the cookie, and was jailed for 2 weeks due to implied semi-indecent exposure (not of his own volition). Tom wants to spread these biscuits to all circuses, and Tim thinks by managing the dose it’s saleable. Tim will even provide mate’s rates to the circus people worldwide. We discuss variable doses by species which prompts animal testing (besides Tom’s dog who had a plague of puppies after eating a piece). We’ll need other animals to test on, who do we know (besides the squirrels, birds and lions…)? Turning we see a pair of twinkling lions eyes staring at us.

Tam plays dead and Tim runs over to provide CPR. Tom says Tam needs to get up as lions prefer running prey (which keeps Tam from getting up) and the lion stalks out from the bush and heads towards us. As Tim does CPR his buttocks are displayed to the lion. Tym lines up a rock to chuck at the lion, but it goes wild. Tym says we should get in the car (a fusion powered hover vehicle, due to the LEZ around BurgenlandBurgenland). Tam compliments Tim’s lack of climate denial, but Tim flips back to suggesting coal powered fusion vehicles. Despite talking a lot about digging holes, Tim won’t actually do them, he’s an ideas guy, so we flee back to our vehicle. Tim gets behind the wheel and tries to run the lion over. Unfortunately he sails over the lion; it’s a hover vehicle. As Tim explains the top speed is 5kph, Tam doesn’t like this technology so he dives out, snares the lion and rides it towards Oma’s Haus, waving the car along.

Tim pushes the car to it’s limit and as we reach 1.6km from Grandma’s Haus, the lion stops and rears up, throwing Tam off. The lion takes two steps forward, a bright light flares up and when Tam looks up the front half of the lion being sheared off and cauterised. Tam waves frantically at the car to stop them driving into the beam too, but they don’t realise it’s a warning wave. Tam walks towards the car and tells everyone to get out, leaving it on cruise control. The car creeps towards the line as Tam asks Tim about the business plan, and the car crosses over the lion’s body and continues forwards unscathed, how odd. Tym is still in the car and waves a bit of paper at Tim out the window, and the laser blazes out and burns up the papers. That means Tim’s business plan (“Tim’s Big Business Plan”, the master copy), has gone up in smoke.

Despite the laser beams Tym gets out the car, but starts to be peppered by laser beams, and he feels warm and burning. His dodging is not entirely stellar but he’s working on it. Tim thinks we can all take one laser beam on. Tam rips the wing mirror off the car as a defensive tool. Tim is fast-walking about, weaving to avoid the laser, and Tom tries some reverse-backward stunt driving at 2.5kph and snaps off the steering wheel. The vehicle proceeds at 5kph spinning around as Tym says, “Aaah! My luggage!” and tries to open the boot whilst spinning. Unfortunately it’s really hard to get the button pushed but eventually it’s disgorged, but Tim’s big business plan backup copy drops out. As Tim catches it the laser toasts it. Tim worries the laser will hit the fusion fuel pellet, and Tom of course knows about all this, thanks to several PhDs on the subject. He concurs it may be a bad thing, as he spins in a circle, and Tym’s luggage is a wriggling dufflebag. We’re 800m past the laser perimeter and approx 800m from Oma’s Haus.

The laser is emanating from the house and must be very powerful to kill a lion at 1.6km. 100m from the house, we eyeball the property and there is a green garden, white picket fence, and outside the garden area is burned up former savannah, lion corpses littering the scorched earth around the property. As we look back it all makes sense. Tom puts the car in park and it stops spinning, and detects a parking space and parallels into it.

We scout the house!

How big: As big as the Castle of Mad King Ludwig, set amongst the scorched savannah of Austria, surrounded by dead lions. We suddenly realise that many of our grandfathers died mysteriously. We also discuss that none of us have met Grandma since she’s been … augmented. Tim met Grandma about 35 years ago, when she handed him his care package. Tam never got hand delivery, the cold weather seizing grandma’s joints.

Tim decides that’s enough scouting and walks up to knock on the door and serve Grandma papers.

We prepare to heist the recipe!

The door is not knocked upon, not kicked well. The door reverberates and a screen pops up and a picture of a person pops up and she is saying, “No door to door salesmen today!”. That person is not grandma (it’s a man). We’re told to go away but Tym says he’s we’re here to see grandma. Grandpa asks if we’re his grandkids (we became grandkids when he married Grandma), and Tim asks if he’s eaten shortbread (he has). Grandpa asks if we can solve this situation, and Tim says, “Yes!”. Tim cracks his knuckles and business hustles into the lobby area.

Noone is in the hallway but a voice says, “Here: Take this map.” and on the screen pops up a map. “Come quickly, the pain…” He then whispers, “She’s coming, I have to be quiet. Come quickly please”. Tym spots the kitchen and says we should go there first, and we agree (Tim eventually conceding). Tym has to recall the map from memory and leads us the wrong way, we think. (Downstairs? Very downstairs). It gets colder and colder and darker, passing through corridors and stairs before we begin ascending. Tim listens out but only hears the echo of our footprints. Tom notes we can appeal to the spirits of all of our grandfathers, whose hearts are kept close to Grandma (Tom recalls the heart had been plucked from Austrian grandpa). Tom begins to lead a seance. Using ouija technology, a feeling persists and we hear beating hearts echoing along with our footsteps and Tom notes the ‘tell-tale hearts’ (Tam doesn’t get that reference) and squeaking sound now emanate – Grandma’s pet budgie hounds? – actually her unoiled hips, perhaps she thinks former husband hearts are good for oiling?

Tom fears we’ll never leave the basement (despite ascending as he started the seance), and Tym opens up the duffle bag and drags out a panda by the scruff of its neck, and instructs it to find food. He releases the panda, who nods dramatically and then turns around sniffing for trace. We follow him after Tym says to do so. We eventually come to a wooden door. Tam tries to kick it in again, but unbalances him, throwing him back against a wall. Tym uses the handle and it swings open. We’re in a quad/riad garden with bamboo, some of which is Japanese Knotweed, which the panda should eat. Tim complains this isn’t what we were looking for but Tym notes we were looking for food. We’re at least out of the basement, Tom looks relieved. Tam asks Tom if he can use his ouija board to contact a Grandpa spirit to transcribe the recipe, but he says all we can rely on is his other items – a leotard and a fusion reactor.

From a tower above the garden quad we hear a cry of pain – a man’s voice. Tym and Tam suggest Tim hustles up the wall, climbing a trellis to rescue this anguished fellow. Tym tries to make a bamboo ladder, but the panda keeps eating bits of it. Tom uses his fusion reactor to fuse the ladder to the wall, which he does with aplomb. As the panda eats the bottom rung we leap to climb, being admonished by Tom to not think of this as other than magic, otherwise it falls apart. He notes the Austrian savannah will one day be full of robot clowns. Tim looks through the window and sees someone writhing in agony, and Tim gets in and says, “I’ve got ya, I’ve done this before” as he reaches to perform CPR on his groinal zone and this helps not a bit. He screams in pain then claps his hand over his mouth and says, “That’s too loud, please…” and Tim hides under the bed. We leap into the room as Tim scoots under the bed. Tam hides (badly) behind a plant, Tom does a splinter cell leap between walls above the doorway, Tym and his panda dodge their way back out of the window.

The door slams open, dislodging Tom from above the door, and he falls, looking up into the doorway, seeing a gigantic, robotic body in the shape of grandma. She was a beast! Tim reminds us from under the bed that when she was ‘organic’ (his words) she won several sumo wrestling championships (3rd most popular spectator sport behind rodeo and cricket). Did she have a Japanese Grandpartner? Was she Japanese and moved to Austria? Did sumo come to Austria following rising sea levels sinking Japan? Grandma says, “WHO ARE YOU?” to Tom and she immediately recognises Tom, and says, “How did you get here? Grandpa is sleeping” and Tom says he was here to quell Grandpa’s troubled heart (worrying if she’s into hearts). We also note (when she greets Tam) that she never goes to the basement – Tom offers to pick up stuff from down there and Grandma offers to make snacks. Tim was planning to come out but all Tam can do is pull his shoes off. Tim notes the bed has a big sag in from overuse and Grandma says, “Your mum had to come from somewhere”. Tim asks Grandma to pull the papers out of his pocket for her so she can consider herself served. She asks him to ‘be a good little boy’ and come over and deliver it to her. Tim is worriedly stuck. Grandma stomps off to the kitchen where we should come find her (with grandad’s help – Tym remembered to yell asking where it was).

Tim asks Grandpa to get off the bed, and enough sagging eases that Tim can crawl back out. Alas when Tam pulled the shoes off they wer eflung out the window, nearly hitting Tym. Tim has soft business feet (never worked a day in his life). Tym re-enters the room, Tam takes directions from Grandpa, and we head to the kitchen. In the kitchen-diner is a big open-plan with an island and big table. Grandma has cooked everything! Every space has a breadplate with shortbread upon it. Tom asks Tam if he longs for it, and he says it’s the getting long that worries him. Tam looks for the recipe and doesn’t see it, but does see a wall display of jars, each with an individual heart within. One upside down jar is Tim’s grandad’s. Grandma asks us to sit and eat, and Tam starts spraying food around clumsily. Before starting Tim hands her these legal papers and asks him instead to read it, as she lacks her glasses…

“I, Tim, 74th in line to the fortune of the family Oma, hereby declare I have irrevocable rights over the shortbread recipe of my grandma, Gertude Cummerbund Thistlewhistle 4th, due to…and furthermore pursuant to section C byelaw 13 of the international colony agreement, I hereby seize the property pursuant with the law”.

Grandma waves him away and tells him he’s making it up, and passes it to Tom saying he should read it…

“I, Tom, 73rd in line to the fortune etc. etc., yes, it seems quite legitimate. You always wanted your destiny to pass along to the circus peoples of your youth, did you not? Not that you are not still young at heart. Haha!”

He says, looking nervously at the wall of jarred hearts. Grandma laughs at this, what a joke he’s pulling, so it’s Tym’s turn to read…

“I, Tym, 69th in line to the fortune of the family Oma… It does seem quite legitimate”

he also says. Grandma asks for more and it says “Big mac, large fries, €5.59”. Grandma asks him if he’s learned to read yet. If not it needs passing over to Tam.

Tam immediately pleads a lack of ability to read. Grandma seems upset we’re only here for the recipe, Tim points out she’s a murderess, and Tom notes she wasn’t at the funeral, the 83rd family funeral. Grandma points out it’s only been a year since the last one. Tim asks where she goes “this one” (dismissively gesturing in Grandpa’s direction) and Grandma said he was a food critic looking to indulge in family recipes, but he overindulged and now has ‘tummy problems’. Tim doesn’t think it’s his tummy.

Grandma says, “Right” declaratively and asks us all to do something for her and then maybe it is time for the recipe to be passed on. She explains her need – her partners here, they are crying to live their best life. Tom can’t hear them as he’s listening to Grandma, who says she was robotised in order to continue living. Her form no longer lends itself to the crushing hugs she used to provide, even though according to Tom they’re the best ones. Even so, her heart is still here (tapping her chest) – without that wouldn’t she be our grandma? She needs help to get the grandfathers functioning. That reminds Tim – we could dig out some oil for her squeaky him, and she asks if we can bring the robots up from the cellar. Tom did offer earlier, after all. Tym and Tom say we can bring the hearts to the robots, since Tom can fuse them back together. Tim asks for 2-part epoxy resin, which she has from that one time business sample, Down Under Down Now Stick It Solutions™. Tim recalls this was only sold in 5gal drums, it’s in Grandpa’s man drawer (which he inherited from the previous 82 grandpas), so Grandpa (who has now hobbled along to join us) shows the way. The panda is loaded up with heart-jars to carry. The panda takes one in the mouth and splinters the glass a bit, but it didn’t splosh, Grandpa Fred is intact. Hearts in mostly good condition go to the basement along as Tam rolls the barrels down the stairs, him rolling along with them. One’s a bit leaky

In the basement, we don’t know where the robots are and Tam can’t work out where they are (no emitting). Tim asks Grandma where she keeps the oilcan and listens carefully but can’t make out the words. He interprets them to mean “by the robots”. Tam can’t remember any oil slicks, just cold and dry. Tym suggests Tom listens to the hearts of the Grandpas where the robots are, if they yearn to be united with them. They suggest some demonic summoning – pentagrams, hearts on points, etc. etc. and then smell their way to these robots, all of which have a chest-jar receptacle area. Tim uses his CPR skills to lock in the chests and wake grandpa’s back up. But it doesn’t seem to work, Tim just pressing in, whilst Tam is trying to smash up the robots to stop a reanimated robot army, but fails, one landing on top of him. Tym suggests using electricity, Frankenstein style, to wake the heart back up, and it sparks to life. Tim asks him where the oil is since he sounds old and creaky, and meanwhile we start a production line of grandpa reanimation…

…the Grandpas are sparked and our Grandpas spot us each and talk about how long it’s been (how long has it been?) etc. and Tim reveals he’s 125 earth years. Tim now digs out the oil and brings it up for Grandma’s hip. The robot Grandpa army march up from the basement. She welcomes each one in turn by name. The table is set for 83 grandpas (living grandpa 84 still ill and worried about his upcoming heart surgery). The shortbread eating for robots intrigues Tim as that may double his market. Grandma compliments us as the best grandchildren as those who came before never game back. Tim offers Grandma the oil and she says yes, and it’s set to maximal deployment pressure before getting hosed into her hips. He plugs it in and pops it on full blast, and 100% of the blended epoxy goes in rather than oil, but it doesn’t set yet. Good thing as she sidles over to the hob, pulls out a biscuit tin, hands us each a piece of shortbread and a piece of paper. Tom uses his ouija spelling skills and discerns the recipe for ‘her exquisite shortbread’. Tim and Tam ask Tom to read the ingredients out: Butter, eggs, sugar, flour, “love” (in quotation marks, with a heart drawn around the word love), and TIm asks if it has the ground up hearts of deceased grandfathers in.

We wonder to ask Grandma this, and whether the place was set for each grandpa (whether they’re eating their own heart biscuits, are they shaped like hearts?). Tom hands the recipe to Tim (not Tym), Tym can’t read it, so it goes to Tim, but he can’t read this dialect, only an adjacent Austrian one. The epoxy randomly chooses this time to set and Grandma commences seizing up. She looks at Tim and says, “Have you done something to my hip? What did you put in me?”. Tim uses his most charming business acumen to lie to her and says, “Nothing that could be considered hostile to you, it’s Oil from the Australian Down Under Oil Company.” It may be getting on a bit so needs to be worked through her. She sends us home whilst she works that into her hip. Tam says yep and “We’ll come visit you again” and Tom says, “Maybe at the next funeral”. Grandma says she hopes to see us soon, and to be careful about the lasers on the way out as she’s forgotten how to turn them off.

We leave the house…

…and opening back up at the respective homesteads…

Tom spends the years to come as a pandemic of mimes spreads across Europe. Unexplained and highly contagious, France is isolated and collapses in upon itself. It is suspected the biscuits led to the mime breeding spreading across Europe.

Tim sets up a shortbread biscuit company in Scotland, extracting the hearts of rats in love with other rats, which works a charm, until a class action lawsuit is brought against him by members of the public with ruptured genitals and he is imprisoned.

Tam retreats to a Scottish island, grists up a mill and feeds crumbly ancient grain shortbread to puffins, penguins, and seagulls. There’s no technology here, it’s lovely.

Tym sees a tidal wave of pandas hits the plague of mimes and spawns the ‘Black-and-White Wars’, leaving no survivors east of Abu Dhabi. Tym has no control at all over this and just watches on.

What happened to grandma and robograndpas? Austria becomes a neutral ground in the black and white wars of panda vs mime thanks to an area where either side try to invade, they get laser zapped and it’s no mans land, quite literally, as now it’s no mans land – just robo Grandpas.

No more funerals! Apparently Grandma has reanimated her former partners and lives happily. The grandpas enjoy the biscuits and the epoxy has crumbled and worn off. Tim admits the kinks were never ironed out to keep the epoxy nice and stable.

Final Skills

Tam (N)

Tim (G)

Tom (J)

Tym (H)